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LakE
03-24-2008, 08:51 PM
I was bored, which i literally was. I felt like writing something, this is what i came up with.

Yes, another cliche'd "Love" song. I wouldn't call it a love song, i put no love into it. I just got bored and wrote.

Okay, so, it seems weak, my lyric writing skills or any skills involving writing, well, they shouldn't be called skills. They're that bad.
These lyrics seems to have no backbone, no strength and nothing going for them. They're damn right weak.

I need help.

ALSO; It has a set tone. It will only really work in that tone. But i can't describe it. So, you'll have to improvise.

I'll endure these seconds,
As though they were years.
They mean it all to me,
But that may be the beers.

You never did grasp the concept of joy,
When i gave you it all,
You'd fall back and deploy.
Those signals sent use further apart,
A memory that will never cease.
A memory of what?

Because i seem, to forget, i need you.

I'll endure these seconds,
As though they were years.
But what for,
As it was only tears.

Because i seem, to forget, what went wrong.

Truth is, we'd never have lasted.
These days, they were departed.
I labeled your words from right to wrong.
It only led to this ****ing song.

Because i seem, to forget, those nights.
Where was the love, in, our fights?
Because I can't, keep up with this.

It's a shame, we could not do better.
Why can - I not forget her?
This has no meaning or deepness.
It's all words on a list.

Crit' please.

SoulEater
03-24-2008, 09:14 PM
Lots of the rhymes didn't go well together, and were kind of out of synche. Try using better words to go together, and words that didn't go to random topics to explain them.

LakE
03-24-2008, 09:18 PM
Yeah, the words do seem to rhyme too much and i couldn't agree more with using better words.

Thanks for the crit'.

LakE
03-25-2008, 11:26 AM
I apologise for the double post, but;
This is the song that gave me the idea to attempt writing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv4QBRS-U50
I'm trying to make it flow that well, but i failed.


Also,
More critique?